RAYMOND J. AGUILERA & MAX VERGA
Join Forces to Answer a Vexing Question
know if there is any place or resource where I can meet or find
or pay someone willing to have sex with a disabled guy? In my condition,
it is very hard for me to find a date or even an escort, and I don't
know who I can ask or turn to, so that is why I'm writing to you.
I'm twenty-eight and I've been in a wheelchair due to a car accident
since I was eighteen. I'd never done it before that, and honestly,
I really don't want to die a virgin. So I hope you can advise me
on where I can look.
Your comment that "In
my condition, it is very hard for me to find a date or even an escort
that will be willing to have sex..." [emphasis added] makes me suspect
that you are struggling with issues of self-esteem. Ideally, you
should tackle those issues first.
I am convinced that putting
out a positive attitude is the key to getting laid. A therapist
might be able to help. Also, a therapist can refer you to a sex
surrogate, who can furnish some real-life, hands-on (so to speak)
experience. Sex surrogates have sex with clients, but unlike the
average sex worker, they have psychological training that may prove
useful in helping you with your anxieties. For the best account
I know of what that experience might be like, read an article
by poet and journalist Mark O'Brien about his own experience with
a sex surrogate.
In terms of finding
a willing partner, the Internet is a huge resource. Post an ad on
Yahoo, or Gay.com. Yahoo groups exist that cater to pretty much
any conceivable sexual interest. Try connecting with other members
of whatever group interests you, or post an ad yourself. I have
found that being straightforward with potential partners about a
disability works best. If someone is going to respond negatively
because you have a disability, better to find out sooner rather
are in a metropolitan area, Craigs List (www.craigslist.org) personals
are a good way to connect (I hear boyfriends are scarce there, but
fuck buddies plentiful). And one final word of caution: if you're
going to try your luck at the Internet Quickie Game, be careful:
use lot of lube and always play safe. Anybody who refuses to play
safe is not worth your time and energy in any context.
As part of his work toward a Masters
in Human Sexuality, Raymond J. Aguilera is conducting research on
the sexual relationships of people with disabilities. He has worked
as a sex educator and disability awareness trainer. He likes long
walks on the beach and candlelit dinners, as well as a bunch of
things his mother would not approve of. Find out what they are by
reading his other contributions to
BENT or by writing to him directly: firstname.lastname@example.org.
A few of the
male escorts I've communicated with online have told me that a significant
number of their clients are men with disabilities, which sounds
promising. But I've also spoken to disabled men who have said that
some sex workers have expressed discomfort at interacting with a
disabled client. So, the choice to seek a paid companion might have
It is also not
a cheap proposition, something men with limited incomes need to
be aware of. The professionals I spoke to were ones who had initiated
an e-mail conversation with me, and not with any understanding that
they would get "work" out of me. It seems that even paid escorts
need a Daddy sometimes, but that's another story.
I hope you will
first try to find a partner by starting or joining a chat room for
disabled men or by joining other chat rooms that interest you, without
making disability a prime issue when it comes to meeting someone.
Two Websites you might try are HFriends and the Gay Universe Disabled
Message Board. Of course, you have to take all Internet contacts
with a real big grain of salt.
Are there accessible
gay bars or similar haunts in your neighborhood? No, bars are not
the best place for a man in a wheelchair to meet someone (they may
not be the best place for anyone to meet someone), but you don't
know what might happen if you don't give it a try. And don't dismiss
the idea of seeking out men who are attracted to a man with a disability.
Right now I wonder
if your lack of experience and probable anxiety about it are barriers
nearly as big as your disability itself. Even though there are men
who love nothing better than the chance to give another man his
first sexual experience (free of charge, with no barriers), I recognize
that your search won't be an easy one.
Despite the many
chat rooms you can find under the "M4M Companions" heading (meaning
the men that list there are paid professionals), I hope you'll first
try for someone without a price tag attached. I think the rewards
will be far greater if there's no payout involved.
You don't know all about Max Verga
already? Shame on you! Give yourself a proper education by reading
Max's regular column, "Bear in Mind."
©2003 Raymond J. Aguilera and
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BENT: A Journal of CripGay