A BENT/Disgaytalk Forum
is the online discussion group associated with BENT, where men discuss
their cripgay lives. Like all such lists, the quality of the discussion
ebbs and flows, but often the sparks fly.
time to time, with the cooperation of the participants, BENT will
present an edited version of an exchange we think will interest
a wider audience.
let us know what you think by writing to BENT
or by joining Disgaytalk.
question this time: Is disability a factor in the kind of guys you
choose to date?
Up until I was about eighteen I never really identified as disabled.
The (painful) truth is that I was in denial about my own disability,
and wanted to have very little to do with "those people." In high
school, I never had much luck in lust. Everybody wanted to be my
friend, because I was cool, and hung out with a fast crowd, but
I didn't exactly have a stable of potential bed partners. Then,
I moved to Berkeley, and circumstantially started hanging out with
some cool crips. My best friend was working as an attendant for
this guy living with three other crips. They partied nonstop, consequently
I spent A LOT of time there. Hanging out with them, I became more
comfortable with my own disability. And here I am today, typing
this e-mail, wearing my "SuperCrip" T-shirt.
I honestly don't think it really matters to me. For a while, when
I was younger, I think I actively rejected the idea, because I'd
always been taught as a kid that I shouldn't even bother wasting
my energies dreaming of dating someone able bodied. Being the rebellious
type, like most young people, my initial reaction was to want to
prove them wrong. But I thinkor at least I hopethat
I grew out of that knee-jerk reaction.
Growing out of things, yeah. It really mattered to me for far too
long. Up until maybe five or six years ago, I never would have dated
anyone disabled. Some of it was no doubt due to the old internalized
self-loathing routine. Also, being the stubborn bastard that I am,
I never wanted to date a crip, because the (nondisabled) world assumes
that if we date anyone it's going to be each other. I guess I felt
like I needed to prove something to the world. As I've become more
involved in the community, however, I've met quite a few crips who
I wouldn't have minded getting to know better. Still, to this day,
all of my "relationships" have been with nondisabled people. At
this point in my life I don't think I'd have any trouble starting
a relationship with another disabled person. Other than of course,
the fact that the people I have been interested in lately have yet
to return the favor.
Hey, all you sexual human beings, I am turned on to those with disabilities,
especially Cerebral Palsy and Muscular Dystrophy. I have mild CP
and my boyfriend has mild MD. Maybe I'm attracted to guys with CP
because of their movements and the way they hold their bodies. Does
this make sense to you? My boyfriend and I know a man with CP who
can't control anything, nor can he verbally communicate. We love
to give him pleasure. And for those with MD, I love the way that
their limbs go all weak. I used to know an MD young man who was
straight, and we'd go camping together. I would assist him with
dressing and taking him to the loo, however my lust for him never
got as far as sexual touch as I know that we had boundaries, and
I was acting as his Personal Assistant.
Recently when I watched
the disabled Olympics I loved watching the CP runners running around
the track. By the way, what do all of you think about bareback fucking?
I find putting condoms on very difficult as my fingers don't allow
me, so I don't bother. I am fully aware that this kind of lovemaking
can be riskfull. How do other guys cope with this problem?
I think barebacking is just plain foolish in this day and age, but
it seems to be a growing trend. The use of rubbers in light of limited
ability to use the hands is something worth discussing. I'd be very
interested to hear comments and real life stories about how people
have or haven't coped. I have always found using rubbers to be erotic,
so I was a bit ahead of the game in that respect. One disabled friend
of mine is very scared of getting AIDS, stating that he already
has enough to deal with. Anyway, I just hope you guys out there
will remember to play safe play often, but safe. And anyone
who needs help slipping a rubber on, just give a holler.
I'm another one of those "serial monogamists," so dating wasn't
an issue for me for a lot of years. Back in the '70's, when swinging
came into vogue, we didn't "date," we took hostages! Anyway, dating
wasn't a gay concept. We didn't have "boyfriends," either. You met
someone and if there was an attraction you tried to have sex, before
too many words were exchangedlike namesand an illusion
spoiled your encounter. The issue of disabled vs. nondisabled didn't
apply for me through my first two captive situations, one for five
years, the next for eleven. It was while I was with my second lover
that I got cancer, and the colostomy. My MD diagnosis came about
after he died, and then disability became an issue for the first
When I got on the Web,
early this year, I tried to find other guys in the same boat. The
search engines don't handle "gay" and "disabled", or any variation
thereof, very well. Finally, just before finding Disgaytalk and
salvation, I started a site for gay men with disabilities, only
I didn't know about BENT then, so, not wanting to offend, I called
it "gayphyschal," for gay men with physical-challenges-differences-disabilities.
Oy! "CRIPFAGS?" I couldn't have conceived of it. For a month, no
one showed. Then Bruce arrived. It was just the two of us for a
long time. To wrap this up: He has Progressive Primary MS, and there
was a chemistry that led to our becoming cyberlovers (we finally
met last month). That we both have disabilities makes things infinitely
more comfortable. No wondering what to disclose or when. Eliminated
is any feeling of self-consciousness, or the need to explain or
apologize (yeah, I woulda done that), or question motives. Aside
from all of the other things we have in common, disability brought
us together, against all odds, and enables us to share this community.
Serial monogamist eh? I like that. I've been dating a nondisabled
guy for nearly three years now. Though we knew each other before,
we had not hooked-up while I was still able-bodied, more because
of hesitation on my part than any problem on his part with disabled
guys. He was married and I wouldn't interfere with that. We haven't
made it official, i.e., there has not been a ceremony or union giving
us the stamp of "officially joined," but we have talked of it. He
tells me I deserve the real deal, which in his mind is one day him
on his knees (!) to pop the question. I admit I was skeptical when
we first talked of this, but I've come full-circle finally, and
I know that he is serious, wanting to be with me for what remains
of my life and his.
When we talked about
this I was very concerned that he would be "wasting" his
life caring for me when he could have a very satisfying and physically
challenging relationship with someone his own age and someone able-bodied.
He was vehement in his rebuttal, which in the long run taught me
a lesson (no small task that) that what truly counts is the person
inside, not the body you occupy. Daniel loves me for my heart and
soul and spirit, that is very clear, and is always very willing
to do what is necessary for me physically when I am unable. I still
find myself amazed at the depth of his love in the face of these
obstacles; he always approaches the difficulties with candor and
dedication to my comfort and pleasure. I couldn't ask for more than
Hey Ya'll, I'm Clockin' in on the dating question. I've been involved
with both able-bodied bi-peds and with a few guys who had disabilities.
The guys who were disabled (all three) were closed-head trauma.
I'm paralyzed, SCI, almost thirteen years. In all my travels I have
met only one, (count 'em, o-n-e!) other gay man in a chair with
SCI. I thought I saw one at the march on DC in '93, but the Dykes
on Bikes got between us and I lost him. Actually, I have only met
a couple other gay men that had MS, early into it.
I've been working on
this grim theory that when gay men become paralyzed, and come to
realize that their dicks are dead, they mostly go ahead and make
the rest of themselves dead, too. I'm active in gay politics, am
at all the marches, never see any queer guys in chairs. The numbers
say they oughtta be there. My buddy Mike, who is a quad, and who
gets really hammered and comes around every three months or so to
come out as Bi one more time, wants to suck face for a while, then
push down to the local gay dance club, where he proceeds to talk
a lot of trash to all the boys, and then runs to me to get him oughtta
there before he has to do something he ain't up for (like put out)well,
he don't count.
Now, Fellas, I ain't
sayin' that I was ever completely healthy, sexually. Aside from
my own quirks, which I'd be happy to share another time, I find
that it is easier for me to date, and make, a bi-ped. Since, however,
I don't have that throbbin' cock thing driving me on, the mood is
often broken irrevocable by something silly or unimportant, making
the rest of the session pretty much like most sex for meyou
give 'em the best you can do, and call it something you do just
to get your neck and earlobes nibbled. Now, thankfully, I have a
(supposed) service dog, so I get all the sloppy kisses and nibblin'
I could ever want, and she don't get pissy or make me write bad
checks or buy her new clothes every month. :-)
C'mon, RC, we want to hear about your quirks! I'm very nosy! Your
comments about your dog got my attention. Once, about five years
ago, I bought myself a birthday present of a hustler. The guy was
great, as I had a very strange fantasy I wanted him to fulfill.
As we finished, my guide dog, Flynn, walked over, and gently licked
some cum off my cock. "Wow!" the hustler said, "your dog does an
excellent job, and it would be much cheaper for you!"
Woof! That got my attention! I wanna know about the "strange fantasy"
you had him fulfill, Bob! Hustlers are my FAVORITE form of kink
also. When I feel the need I don't go out to gay bars or cruise
the streets or sidewalks or parks, I just look in the paper (the
gay rags of course) and get myself an "escort," preferably one I
haven't had previously, but I'm not always that lucky, I live after
all in a small town. Most guyz I've talked to about this have the
same thing to say: "I'll never pay for it" HUH? You pay for it one
way or another. As Lenny Bruce once said, "We're all whores."
When people comment on
my attitude I always say the same thing: "I pay for it, I can tell
him what I want him to do and I don't have to buy him drinks or
have intelligent conversation first!" So, c'mon, Bob: CONFESS. I
gotta know about that fantasy!
I forgot to mention: On the subject of dating men, my Momma's got
her own opinion. She would just like me to hook up with a nice,
able-bodied guy who could do stuff around her house for her. Personally,
I have a handy-dyke for that, but my Mom hates her, so that doesn't
solve the problem (as my Mom sees it). I'll have to start remindin'
Mom that unless she wants me chasin' chicken, pretty soon guys I
might date will be too old to do much for her. ;-)
Well, I'm glad to know that for once I don't seem to be only kinky
man online. I just wanted to add that most of the disabled men I
have met up with have expressed the feeling that they preferred
meeting able-bodied men. I did, however, have two disabled friends
who were lovers. Many of the disabled men I have known expressed
the feeling that it was almost expected that they would end up with
only another disabled partner and they did not want to fall into
anybody's cliché. Some said that they preferred a partner who could
compensate for some of their limitations. One disabled man I know
has a non-disabled partner whose friends couldn't understand why
he was going with him. There is an awful lot of pressure among gays
to be seen with the "best" and the most perfect. I wonder just how
much the dynamic of what others think effects who we choose to pair
© 2001 BENT