BENT's own Bear
Everybody knows what bears do in the woodsthey
sit around telling each other their life's stories and giving one
another advice. What else would those big, hairy beasts do when
they get together for their Teddy Bear Picnics?
Inspired by the wisdom of my fellow growlers, I'm
here to give advice, when asked. So, if any of you have questions
you'd like answered by someone who's been around the block a couple
of times, please send them to Bear@bentvoices.org.
And in case you're worried that you might have to
censor your thoughts, please remember that my walks around the block
were often done while dressed in kinkwear and with a thought or
two about who I might encounter along the way.
So let me know what's on your mind. If it's a Big
Unanswered Question (or even a little one), let me have
a crack at it. It is, after all, what bears
your column in the September issue and I thought your answers were
right on track, and done with kindness, so I will ask my question.
I am a totally blind, very heavy guy. My problem is that, when I
find guys interested in being with me, I run into a roadblock because
I don't like to suck cock. I have tried, and I find it really unpleasant.
I am good with my hands, and can usually make a guy come easily,
especially if I use a bit of oil. But many (probably most) guys
want someone who can suck, and I just don't enjoy doing this.
are these: 1) Are there gay couples who are more tactile, using
mutual jerkoff rather than sucking, or is this unheard of? 2) Are
there guys who enjoy getting others off more than getting off themselves,
or who enjoy getting themselves off while a guy touches them, or
talks to them? 3) Often, when I meet guys who genuinely like me,
it's friendship, rather than sexual, and the few I have had sex
with don't seem interested in a friendship. How do you find both?
Is it better to wait before having sex? Do I need to say from the
get go that I don't like cocksucking?
Sucking cock is just one aspect
of gay sex, a very pleasant aspect to most, but it's not the be-all
and end-all. It's certainly not the only way two people can enjoy
each other sexually. For example, I love sitting around with a guy
(or a group of guys) swapping sex stories (real or fantasized),
pulling out dicks, and jerking off. For me, it's a great way to
start a sex scene and it can be the entire sex scene, if that's
what everyone agrees upon.
No doubt there
are couples who are more tactile than oral. HIV/AIDS has changed
many people's view of what sex is and should be. I did encounter
one man, a massage therapist by trade, whose sexuality revolved
around touch more than" taste." Just watching his face
and listening to him groan as the slightest touch gave him pleasure
was amazing. There are also many men who need verbal excitement
to enhance the scene, or to make it the entire scene. Need I say
just how satisfying phone sex can be? So you can begin to get a
sense of the possible variety.
Yes, it is always best
to let someone know in advance what your preferences and limitations
are. It is better to have a would-be partner decline an invitation
to a sexual encounter before it happens than during the action.
I can understand that without having a visual frame of reference,
focusing on a man's cock alone may not give you the satisfaction
possible from understanding your partner's entire body through touch.
Wouldn't it be wonderful if more of us took the time to do that?
Most people concentrate
on only a fraction of the body when having sex, and the cock is
usually the center of attention. But there is probably no part of
the body that cannot be touched and yes, even tasted, and made to
feel sexual excitement. As far as teaching cocksucking goes, I think
most guys would say that once exposed to one, the art of sucking
comes as naturally as feeding does to a baby. But it's not the only
way to give pleasure. Teasing with your tongue or hand instead of
just providing up and down motions is a great way to excite a partner.
But I think that Annie Oakley (or was it Ethel Merman?) said it
best when she sang about "Doin' What Comes Natcherly." If your instincts
are not geared to oral sex, then no amount of practice will make
you an expert. A caring partner, however, will tell you if you need
some more practice and should also let you know exactly what gives
him oral pleasure.
If the oral thing doesn't work
for you, don't worry. Go on to something else that you are
expert at. Tit play, foot play, anal probing, masturbation, verbal,
fantasyit all depends on finding out what gets your man going
and using that knowledge to your mutual advantage. It also depends
on your partner discovering what gets you
going. Unless you end up in bed with someone who's just after a
quickie, oral sex might only be one among many different acts in
your bag of tricks. Men who are willing to try long, slow sessions
of touching, kissing, etc. are the ones who know that sex is something
to savor. As my patron saint, Mae West said, "A guy what takes his
time, I'll go for anytime." Was she ever right!
Yes, I am happy to say
that there are guys out there who are more concerned with getting
their partners off than gratifying themselves. There are even men
for whom orgasm is irrelevant. I went with one man who never achieved
orgasm, even though he could. He had mental orgasms, one of which
I also achieved with his help. And wasn't that an eye-opener? And
yes, there are men interested in sex and friendship. Most of my
friends started out as guys I had sex with. Sometimes a friendship
developed and sometimes that friendship put an end to the sex. So,
I lost a good lay but developed a friend. Not a bad return on my
One thing to remember,
Bob, and I have probably said this a thousand times before and will
say it a thousand times again: Everyone experiences frustration
when it comes to relationships, sexual or otherwise. Everyone goes
through a lot of crap before they meet one or more people that they
can share their lives with. Nobody's sexuality is the same as everyone
else's.We all have the same fears about relationships. Having a
disability does not exclude you from having the same problems meeting
people, sex partners, and friends as everyone else experiences.
It just adds a different dimension. And it doesn't mean that failure
to find sex partners and friends is the result of having a disability.
It just means that you may be destined to look a little harder and
I want to
thank you for having the courage to ask your questions. Most people
think that just because you're gay you've had so much experience
you can add a chapter or two to the Kama Sutra. (Well, maybe I can,
come to think of it!) But Bob, you did everyone a great service
by asking your questions. I hope I've done a fraction of that service
by answering them. We're all here to learn from each other.
that you'll see the comic side of this, but I'm serious about it
too. My ablebodied lover got turned on to bondage a while ago. My
first reaction was you've got to be kidding. I always thought that
kind of stuff was either scary or ridiculous, but he gradually talked
me into trying it out in easy stages and guess what, I really got
into it. We're not into anything very heavy duty, just your basic
tying up and a little spanking and stuff, you know, kind of Whitebread
Bondage and Discipline
the problem. He likes me to be the "top," which is great, but because
of my CP my manual dexterity is miserable, so I have a lot of trouble
with the tying up part. I'm afraid my trouble with this is going
to ruin the erotic charge for both of us. I mean geez, the bottom
can't tie himself up. I know there's all kinds of specialized equipment
you can buy, but that kind of stuff turns us off. Do you have any
see the comic side, and I wish that all guys into bondage could
see it as well! So many men take their play so seriously they forget
that sometimes it's not much different than a game of Cowboys and
Indians. Conversely, bondage can be incredibly erotic and can add
a dimension to sex that takes it into a wonderful new realm. And
I'm glad to hear that you are disabled and a Top (a lot more on
that subject later). As for your bottom doing his own ropeworkwho
says he can't? At least he can help with part of it. Bondage is
something that I am well qualified to talk about, and I agree with
you about the store-bought equipment; not very imaginative, very
expensive, and it doesn't give the kinds of hands-on experience
Bondage is something you might want to investigate. It calls for
intricate rope patterns (that can enhance the contours of the body),
is absolutely balanced on the right and left sides of the body,
and requires only one actual knot, at the end of the line, so it's
a method that a bottom partner can help the Top to create, especially
in its initial stages and before the hands are restrained by the
ropework. It is similar to constructing a spider's web and, in fact,
weblike patterns can be created. It may require less dexterity than
other forms of bondage, but it does call for imagination and a certain
Duct tape, which the
bottom can tear off for the Top, might also work with your limited
dexterity. For variety, try putting a stocking over your partner's
head and creating a tape-mask. (Please remember to leave a breathing
hole. A suffocated bottom is such a waste of willing meat!) I've
also created a "jock" by binding duct tape over a pair of briefs.
If you do decide to experiment with commercial equipment, a rubber
suit is totally restrictive and you can make it even more so with
a few simple ropes that require only minimal dexterity.
And now, I want to get
to the most important and most underutilized bondage tool of all:
the mind. Since your lover is of a bottom mindset, it might be easy
to make use of his mind to relieve you of some of the Top acts that
you have difficulty performing. You can order him to come to you
already shaved. If he balks, remember that withholding what he so
desperately wants is the ultimate act of control. Use your need
to have him take on some of the manual tasks you can't fully handle
as an example of how he has to serve you in ways he would not have
to serve a nondisabled Top. If you make
him help with the tying, it might actually serve to enhance the
scene, where anticipation is sometimes more exciting than the execution
of the play. Remember, he wants you in control. He may have to work
more than most bottoms to get that control.
You can also explore the possibilities
of "mental bondage" by creating ropes with your mind, making him
remain absolutely still, preventing him from touching himself, and
having him, literally, at your feet and bound without a single piece
of rope or tape anywhere. The degree to which this is successful
depends on your own creativity. But if he's willing to let you tie
him up, he might be willing to take the fantasy a couple of degrees
further, with just his brain making the connection.
If none of this works,
you might consider bringing someone else into the scene. That someone
could act as a surrogate, doing the tying for you while you do the
rest. You might also find someone versatile enough to act as your
second-in-command by doing your bidding and working his bondage
magic on your lover. This would involve a leap of kink on both your
parts, but as long as the surrogate is aware that the scene revolves
around the relationship between you and your lover, and that everything
he does is intended to strengthen the love between you two, then
it could be successful. It is not so much a three-way as an assisted
And, Frustrated, consider
tapping into your man's kinks and bottom tendencies by expanding
into other areas analogous to bondage. Wear a hot pair of boots
and see if he will appreciate them like a good bottom should. Make
him feel comfortable enough to tell you all of his fantasies and
desires, then use that knowledge to make your time together even
hotter than usual. Remember, fulfilling someone's needs and wants
is love, by definition. The Top/bottom relationship is different
for every pair of lovers, or every group of friends and lovers.
Your disability adds
another dimension, but it is a dimension that can be tapped into
and made to work for both of you. A good Top never apologizes. A
good bottom learns to accept his partner's limitations. Your lover
may become a better bottom for having to do some of his own ropework.
He may, in fact, like the complication that serving a Top with a
disability can offer. Wherever your exploration of bondage takes
you, just remember that there are no laws dictating how you and
your lover express your love. Nobody has the right to approve or
limit except the two of you. And above all, remember that the mind
is your most powerful sex tool. So, Frustrated, I hope to see you
signing your next letter "Satisfied Bondage Top." You've
ventured into an exciting area of sexuality. I hope you two enjoy
it to its fullest.
The drawings reproduced here are
by San Francisco artist Dean Larson., © 2000. "Although I paint
in oils, I draw the human figure whenever I can," observes Dean,
"but until recently, I had never had the opportunity to draw a disabled
model." To see the range of Dean Larson's work, visit his website.
Text © 2000 Max Verga
VERGA has been an
activist ever since getting a call from a friend reporting that
he'd been in a riot at the Stonewall Bar only hours before.
He began his activism with the West Side Discussion Group, later
became involved with its offshoot theater group, and was one of
the founders of Mainstream, a gay-disabled group. For more about
Max, see his longer biography.