PAYING FOR IT: Sex &
A BENT/DISGAYTALK Forum
is the online discussion group associated with BENT, where cripgay
guys talk about the issues that matter to themfunny, serious
and everything in between.
time to time, with the cooperation of the participants, BENT presents
an edited version of an exchange we think will interest a wider
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of an Australian brothel that's made one of its rooms accessible
prompted this discussion of sex, money, and disability. The initial
question (Have you ever used the services of a hustler?) opened
up the topic to a whole range of experiences.
I think hustling can be a noble profession. If it's done with caring
and sincerity I think it's akin to sex therapy. I used to go to
an English guy named Patrick and he was great. He did exactly what
I wanted and even gave me a discount, but many hustlers don't do
right by their clients (one stole my tape recorder) and take advantage
of the fact that you can't report them. I remember that a sighted
friend read me ads in the Advocate, but believe it or not, many
hustlers turned me down when I told them I was blind. Some of them
laughed at me, some accused me of making it up.
English guy was kind on the phone and that's how we met. I know
that this goes back at least ten to twelve years, because I had
my previous dog. I tried to find another hustler, but nobody seemed
quite right. I'd love to try a disabled hustler. What counts for
me is honesty and integrity. I may be naive and stupid, but it doesn't
seem to me that being in a wheelchair should make one less desirable
as a hustler. As long as you can use your hands and mouth, what
else could a client want?
the way, is it true straight hustling is legal in Nevada? Why not
gay? Oh, and I associate hustling with drugs, which scare me. What
First, and easiest, "poppers" refers to amyl nitrate, a drug, of
sorts. Actually, you can't just go buy the things (never could,
really), but you used to be able to get something over the counter
that wasn't too adulterated. The stuff they sell now is pretty nasty,
and not much fun, unless you know how to get some of the better
stuff, but that's still questionable. Poppers drop your blood pressure
while raising your heart rate, giving you a dramatic body rush that
lasts for a few minutes. They are sort of like, oh, bliss in a bottle,
heightening physical sensations, including orgasm, while not messing
you up for an extended period like, say, alcohol would. Even the
best poppers should be viewed as dangerous inhalants, and the shitty
stuff they sell is very toxic. That said, the good stuff is big
agree with you, BF. I don't think there's anything wrong with hustling,
all things being equal with the hustler and the consumer. Generally
speaking, if you're dealing with someone who advertises and visits
you in your home or hotel room, he is probably pretty much in control
of his situation. Whatever else is going on in his life in terms
of choices, he is probably not being forced by circumstances to
have sex with you to afford his next meal or a place to sleep that
is safe or dry next night. It's likely to be an equitable exchange.
While a consumer in that situation runs some risk ( violence, robbery,
catching a disease), the hustler is not likely to be forced to transact
the encounter. That's not the same thing as street hustlers, a starving
youth with no home or, worse, a kid who's being forced to fuck for
bucks. I can't condone that sort of situation and don't understand
anyone who does.
I agree with everybody so far, but my situation was unique. In the
late '70s/early '80s in San Francisco I ran the very first (and
as far as I know the only) escort service for HIV positive individuals,
both clients and escorts. It was, for a time, a lucrative business
venture, but the 'training' that I insisted on giving all
new escorts and clients ate up what little time I had for other
things. I conducted the business like this because I did truly care
about the satisfaction of the clients and the escorts, all of which
began with my own search and need for intimacy with the stigma (then)
is a noble profession in my mind and I still see nothing wrong with
hiring an escort. In fact, I prefer to do this when I need intimacy
simply because it is far less messy than going to a bar, buying
some guy drinks, then working on him the rest of the night in hopes
of taking him home for a bit of the ol' bumping uglies, although
currently this is not an issue, since I'm being faithful and monogamous
with my other half, something unique for me.
I have been approached to be an escort for men who find amputees
a turn-on. Since apparently it can be difficult to find amputees
it may make sense to pay for the services of an amputee hustler
rather than search the ends of the earth for one you may or may
not find. I guess I wouldn't mind being an escort if it was done
with a sense of integrity and it mutually satisfied the client and
PS: Plus you could probably
make very good money at it! My hat goes off to anyone who actually
does something like this, given the often sensitive nature of our
disabilities and how intimately they are bound up with self-image.
I still have horrific images and dreams about removing my clothes
and having sex with a man, even now with the man I love who I know
loves me in return and is not, repeat, IS NOT, turned off by the
disfiguring I've suffered because of my disability. It is a complex
and irrational fear which to date nothing solves, except very supportive,
very tender exploration with my lover, who recognizes my body-image
fear and insecurity.
BG: Wow. The idea of disabled
hustlers may be even more radical than whether it's ethical for
care-givers to assist clients with sex. And hey, suppose there's
a middleman. Is he a gimp pimp?!
It's good to know we can always count on you for high-class humor
. . .
Well, guys, A) my granny had a cathouse (a very long time ago),
so I don't have any moral objections to either being or going to
a hustler. B) I was one (before I got smashed up) and I hated it,
but not because of a moral ish. Got lots of stories but most of
them are grim. C) I would never characterize myself as sexually
well-adjusted, even when I was able-bodied. D) I have never much
cared for casual sex, generally. This is not to say that I haven't
had the odd trampy streak now and again. Sometimes ya just gotta
get it out. E) Since I want honest affection with sex, and want
to be with somebody I want, like in yowza!! Calling up some escort,
no matter how fine he might look in a picture in a mag/paper isn't
likely to guarantee that the ol' chemistry will be there. F) I'm
ashamed to say this, but while I do think I've got a certain amount
of sex appeal left, and ain't such a bad piece, I do think that
your average fag, (especially one who is a professional fuck and
is going to be mostly motivated by the money) is not real likely
gonna look at me and think, "Hot Damn! Let's get to makin' wit da
think that we as disabled gay men are going to be most attractive
to men who have taken the time to get to know us, even if it is
just a little. G) I am very conscious of some of the physical problems
that my SCI engenders. I like to do a good job in the sack (even
if it was me paying the other guy). Anything that mars that would
taint the experience for me. H) I wouldn't rule out hustling in
the future, but I think it's unlikely. I have considered it,
I think there's nothing wrong with buying and selling sex, given
that nobody is being exploited, robbed, HIV-infected or worse. I
do agree that legalizing prostitution is a good thing as it places
sex workers in a less vulnerable position. Recently prostitution
has been legalized over here in the Netherlands. (So the ladies
and gentlemen in the business have become decent taxpayers like
has the added advantage that safe-sex education can be distributed
more easily. It also makes illegal immigrants (often girls from
eastern Europe, Asia or South America who have been lured into prostitution
and to whom it is certainly not
a fun thing) less attractive as "employees" (sex slaves is a better
I use the services of an escort myself? Well, I never have in the
past and don't think I ever will. PS wrote that he prefers using
a hustler when he "needs intimacy" because it is less messy than
the bar scene. To me the idea that another person only desires me
for the money I have to offer would kill my lust. I need at least
the illusion that my sex partner feels attracted to me.
up a career in the sex industry on the other hand never really crossed
my mind, but you guys have raised some interesting possibilities
[LOL!]. Well, nah, I don't think so. Even though it is less difficult
to imagine than using the services of an escort, I guess I will
keep on charging nothing for my "services rendered"
I am disabled and gay in Milwaukee. I can't find a hustler here.
I would gladly pay for it!
I have mixed feelings. First off, sex-for-money has been around
for a long time and has probably done more good then harm, so I
see no reason for it not to be around now. These days, though, there's
the fear of disease, especially with AIDS back on the increase,
not to mention any other diseases that unclean guys are not willing
to be up front about.
was married and hid my gay side for many years. Even though at the
time I had a great love for my wife I could not be true to her because
of my hidden desire to be with men, so we both talk about it and
got a divorce. I did not seek a partner right off., being that I
had the responsibility of raising two boys. After the youngest reached
fourteen I started dating on weekends, but I found it not working
and left it alone. I found an escort service a reliable way to fill
the need at the time.
OK, OK, You've forced it out of me! YES, I've hired a hooker, OK!!
[grin], but it was about seven years ago, and two years before I
became disabled. I was in Orlando on business, and went to the Parliament
House for a few drinks. I spotted this guy who looked rather "streetwise."
When I left the bar at closing time he was hitchhiking down Orange
Blossom Trail so I picked him up! Got a quickie outta the deal.
my disability, I had talked to a guy online for some time. I explained
that I was a wheelchair user. He didn't care. He wanted me to go
and pick him up from an affluent part of town. He was eighteen and
I was thirty-three at the time (four years ago), so I thought it
would be worth the drive. Well, I brought him back to my house,
and there was never any talk of him wanting to get paid. We had
a great time and then I drove him home. The next day I noticed that
he had stolen some of my CD's, so I felt like I had been the one
taken advantage of. If he wanted something out of the deal, I would
have gladly paid him. Hell, I'd have paid him to come back once
a week after the great time we had, but I couldn't trust him any
longer!! (So now I've got a bunch of CD's I'd like to trade for
sex! I'm thinking of contacting him again!! [grin]
Jeezuz, BT! Call me a jaded old
fuck with entirely too much music lying around, but unless you're
talkin' about your hustler kid takin' some damned CDs that were
Certificates-of-Fucking-Deposit, what's the big deal? He mighta
brought them back the next time, and thanked you for the loan. How
often to you notice teeny-boppers swapping music with one another?
Alla th' time. Just keep an eye on your checkbooks and credit cards
. . . well, and your mom's heirloom jewels.
To answer BF's question some ways back, prostitution in general
is not legal in Nevada. Certain counties have voted to legalize
prostitution in brothels only. Hookers on the street and "escorts"
are still illegal. I have no idea if there are any restrictions
as far as straight vs. gay prostitutioninteresting question.
I do know that sex workers have to register with the local governments
that have legalized it. They're tested regularly for HIV and other
STDs. From what I've read, occurrences of sexually-transmitted diseases
are extremely low amongst legal brothel workers, which is a fantastic
argument for legalizing and legitimizing sex work, in my little
ol' opinion. TW wrote: "Even though it [being a hustler] is
less difficult to imagine than using the services of an escort,
I guess I will keep on charging nothing for my 'services rendered.'"
In the words of the ever-wise George Carlin: "Why is it illegal
to sell something that is perfectly legal to give away?"
I work in consumer advocacy, but I have to admit that my job would
be a lot easier and more fun if I had to deal with hustlers and
their clients. I like what CC said about disabled men being hustlers
for devotees. Has anyone visited the website for a man named Eyton,
who offers photos and other services? He is a double leg amp. I
have also spoken to one or two hustlers whose clients were mostly
disabled guys, which is exactly how they liked it. Anyway, I'm glad
that this issue was brought up. Might be good for some future BENT
My two cents: Hustlers are scum. Pick shit off the street, you expect
it to smell. I don't need anyone in my house where I have to hide
my wallet and lock my stereo and leather jacket in the basement.
Well, back in the Old Days we used to call being relieved of property
by a gentleman caller "Date-Burglary."
I agree with you RC, my incident with the CDs was trivial. It could
have been much worse, which just happens to remind me of this other
time. Back several years ago when I was living with my lover he
was out running around one night (tramp!) when I got a phone call
from him about two in the morning. He'd seen this guy in the bar,
and when he was leaving, the guy was hitchhiking, so he stopped
to pick him up (sound familiar)? After getting to where the kid
lived he was attacked by several of this guy's friends. They beat
him up horribly with baseball bats, and kicked and punched him to
a bloody pulp. I guess the moral of the story is, Don't pick up
your hustlers off the side of the road!!!
I've got to disagree about the CD theft. That's like saying, "well,
he only robbed me, he could have killed me!" Stealing is wrong,
and comparing it with being beat up is not the point. Just because
we want the services of a hustler does not mean we need to accept
being robbed. I think that's especially true for disabled guys,
who are a lot more vulnerable to both theft and violence.
When I can't get into a restaurant because the owner refuses my
guide dog access and I call the police, often they won't come because
it's not a murder or a robbery. But my right to eat where I choose
is at stake. One wrong deed should not be excused because it could
have been worse! Otherwise, people could tell me "Well go to the
restaurants that accept you and leave the others alone." If I choose
to hire a hustler, I want my property safe.
PS: Did you guys read about
the brothel in Australia (where prostitution is legal) that put
in an accessible room for disabled clients? I like the idea very
much, but then I guess I'm your resident bad boy (bad girl?.....oh
well that will serve to confuse some!!!!!!). How many of us would,
if given the opportunity, visit an establishment of this type? Lets
have a show of hands?
I would, as long as there were enough Men of the Night in the brothel
to satisfy all my urges! Does this
brothel offer a discount for disabled people on fixed incomes?!
RA: I admit that I have not,
and most likely never, ever will hire a hustler. I'm hardly a prude
(OK, shut up you, there in the back. You know who you are!) and
I don't have any problem with hustling (as long as y'all are safe,
please!) but I also know that it just ain't for me. I think it's
the whole exchange of money. I feel like it would be way too impersonal
for me to relax and have a good time. But then again, all sex costs
that note, however, I have to 'fess up to visiting sex clubs on
a few occasions, and while there was no money exchanging hands,
the environment was too cold for me to enjoy it as anything other
than a voyeuristic experience. Not to mention that no one talks
in those places, so they are totally silent, except for the random
slurps and flesh-slapping noises. So, imagine gimpy old me stomping
around in my Doc Martens, because I was afraid to walk around in
bare feet in there. STOMP STOMP STOMP. It would have been funny
if I wasn't so self-conscious about it.
Okay, okay, this is my guaranteed last comment but it's gonna be
a long one! About those ripped off CDs again. I grant you that stealing
is wrong. Period. But . . . some essentially inconsequential music
CDs? That was really just poor business sense. The kid was sure
never gonna get a callback acting like that.
listen, guys, that whole stealin' thing set me to thinking about
the Big Picture. Let me tell ya a little something that, if you
ponder it, might soften your stance somewhat. God(dess/whatever)
gives each and every one of us a chance. No matter how dismal our
circumstances may be, there is always that "one big break" to get
things right. Speaking as somebody who has looked at life from the
bottom side of the gutter I can tell you that no matter how young
a person may be, if they have been in ugly situationsand I'm
putting hustling in here because it can
be, and often is ugly and not what
one would really like to be doing and it sure ain't about gettin'
paid for a nut you would like to bust anyhowby the time the
"big break" comes, many people, maybe most, are too bitter and jaded
to take it, especially in the spirit the Cosmos gives it.
Big Break arrives and they are all too ready to lash out at real
kindness, maybe take away what somebody else has, because experience
has taught them that someone else would take it away from them.
I KNOW. Not only have I seen how people have wasted that gift, but
I did myself. Whomever runs the Universe was so unbelievably kind
as to give me three such breaks.
me ask you, BF, have you ever been so hungry that you have had a
fist fight with a good companion because you found out they managed
to shoplift a candy bar, when you both had been without food for
a couple of days? Have you ever watched a Mickey Dee's outside (well,
obviously you wouldn't be watching. Substitute listening in as much
as it fits) to see someone throw away a half-eaten sandwich and
then dug in the trash to find and eat it because you were so many
days without anything to eat?
you imagine being in a situation where some scuzzy guy, nasty, smelly
(although by this time you are, too), mean and hateful, offers you
two bucks for sex in a dirty alley reeking of garbage and urine
and puke and filth, and after a little while it looks like a good
deal? Think of someone opening their pants and the strong stink
of long unwashed crotch hits you from four feet away. Imagine your
face up close to it, thick skidmarks on the cloth a few inches from
your nose. What do you suppose that would taste like? Somebody else's
shit from somebody else getting drilled? Do you think he might even
bother to spit on his dick to slick it up before he yanked you around,
tore your clothes down and jammed it in you? Would you expect that
he would be gentle, or even concerned? How much kinds do you expect
for two bucks?
you imagine trying to decide which is worse, which goes the most
against the good values you were taught hitting somebody over
the head and taking his money, or going out and whoring, knowing
that right now you are at the absolute bottom of the sex-worker
food chain, so there ain't gonna be no uptown potential Sugar Daddies.
There ain't gonna be no warm fuzzy hugs. There is gonna be food
you can't eat. Showers you can't take. Clean clothes you can't wear,
and to get enough money to feed yourself, and, if you save for a
few days and cop a couple of better tricks, maybe you can get into
a shared room with some other mean-assed gutter whores so you aren't
sleeping in the bushes. I was there. For a long while.
suppose that boy who took the CDs had been, too. He managed to fight
and fuck and evade the cops (who most certainly are not his friends).
He managed to clean up and steer clear of the worst of the drugs
and brought himself up. He still has no job skills, and no means
of support except to let somebody else use his body for their
own desires. So do you think when he comes into some guy's home,
a home that he can not even conceive of turning enough tricks in
his lifetime to buy, 'cause baby, the banks don't loan money to
no whores . . . do ya think he might be just a little bitter about
you think that even though he knows it's nothing much, that taking
a couple of CDs that amount to a total of maybe $30 if the were
purchased new, do you think that just maybe that thing, that littleyet
dishonestthing might do just enough to push back the bleakness,
the bitter memories and the reminders of the gawd-awful horrible
men who have fucked him, to keep him from, say, going out and scoring
some hard drugs? Or maybe beating someone who cared about him, just
because there was opportunity and the bile in him was built up so
high? Or killing himself? Or simply weeping.
So while I recognize that it's wrong to steal, if a small theft
prevents a greater wrong then I would be glad to lose the CDs. Maybe
I have too many lying around to care, but on the other hand, I give
money to winos, too, and I don't care if they use that $20 or whatever
to buy a few bottles of hooch. "How can the Rose/ more than
the clod/ From which it grows/ Embody God?"
Save contempt and hatred and high moral action for the guys in power
who are the real nasty people in the world.
© 2001 BENT